A Present-Tense Identity

So...starting the blog was great and really exciting...and receiving all your comments and support was SUPER encouraging! It was so awesome to hear that the risk I took in starting the blog encouraged someone to go out and coach his daughter's soccer team! That (and so many of your other comments) have made this all so worth it.

And now, it's a few weeks later, and I'm sitting here thinking...oh...now I have to write another one? (You mean I can't just revel in the greatness of the first post forever?? ha, ha) I guess that's what blogging implies. It's not just a one-time thing. And how often do bloggers blog? I have a hunch it's more than I have...but I'm sure there are not concrete answers...so I will go with the flow and see how it unfolds.

So today's post...it's a part of my journey that I have been wanting to share. I just didn't know when I was supposed to share it. And then a few weeks ago it was my turn to preach and God impressed upon my heart that now was the time. So for those of you who attend SEAC, you have already heard this...although I will change and condense it down a bit for the sake of the Blog...I mean, for the sake of the Blog-readers. :o)

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In January our church had a Faith & Life Retreat, during which my prayer life was completely transformed. In a nutshell, the question was asked: Do you have a relationship with Jesus? Or do you have a theology of a relationship with Jesus? In Melonie terms, my bottom-line question was: How often do I just hang out with God and listen to him as I would with a friend over coffee?

For me, I was challenged to ask myself...do I actually RELATE to Jesus like I do to Albert, my friends, my family...do I talk to Jesus and then listen for his responses? Do I know what he thinks about me and my decisions? Do I dialogue with him throughout the day, and have "back-and-forth" conversations? Or do I just believe that it's good to have a relationship with Jesus...that this is what he came for...therefore, I know I have a relationship with him because I prayed and asked him to come into my heart...but it does not look like the kind of relationship I have with my husband, my children, my family, my friends...

This REALLY challenged me...because although I had definitely tried to pray, listen to God, and even heard him lead me in life's ups and downs...there was still a big gap between the way my relationship with Jesus was and what I believed a truly intimate, close relationship should be.

So after the retreat, I tried to be more intentional about listening to God's responses when I asked him questions and writing them down in faith that God had spoken. It was learning to have actual conversations with God in written form. It's like dialogue journaling with God. In the weeks following the retreat, I was having a really hard time in my relationship with Jesus. I was really struggling with preparing sermons, focusing on God, being consistent in prayer and Bible reading...and finally on February 19th I sat down to pray and to have a conversation with God about these struggles. This is what I wrote:

February 19, 2010

Melonie: Father, I really need this time with you - I can't keep going through the week disconnected and trying to do my own thing. Sorry for letting so many other things occupy my mind and time. Father, why have I been so distracted?

(this is what God said to me...)
God: You are still linking "time with God" with the necessities of your job & ministry. When you have to prepare for something [like teaching or preaching], that's when you are very diligent in studying my word. I hate to say it, but it's very self-focused and prideful - YOU ARE USING ME FOR YOUR GLORY.

(If I was Paul, this would be my "Damascus moment" - the moment when God knocked me to the ground and said: Melonie, Melonie, why are you using me for your glory?)

Melonie: Wow...I know you are right - it should be the other way around - YOU should be using me for YOUR glory. I feel so horrible - I am so sorry for using you to make myself look good. Please purge me of this deception where Satan tricks me into thinking I am serving you, but I am really serving me. Please forgive me, Father, for my sin and wickedness.

(In this moment, I totally felt the weight of my sin...of my desire for glory that stripped God of his...it felt so heavy...)

Melonie: Tear away the desire for glory. Help me to put you first in EVERYTHING. I am afraid to ask more because I don't know if I can handle it...can I? Do you want me to keep talking and listening or just focus on what you have revealed?

God: This is enough for now. Don't forget this. I love you still, Melonie GRACE (that's my middle name). Undeserved grace.

Not that I ever thought I was perfect...but if I was really going to be honest with myself I probably thought I was pretty close. I mean, I knew I sin and stuff...but I didn't realize how subtle my sins were. I know that we aren't supposed to "rank" sins...but in reality, we often do. We will look at someone who is a murderer, a drug addict, a prostitute, or an alcoholic, and in our hearts we see them as doing "worse" things than someone who lies, someone who treats their family members with disrespect, someone who is prideful...

PRIDE...caused Adam & Eve to fall, caused Lucifer to be cast out of heaven...pride...could it be the worst sin of all? And then I thought about Jesus...and how he treated the different people he encountered. He always had compassionate words for the "worst" sinners compared to his harshest words which he reserved for the most religious (and supposedly righteous) ones. I knew that Jesus had harsh words for me. I could feel their weight. The subtlety of my sin overwhelmed me...and yet his LOVE was still there.

In that moment, there were things God needed me to know on my journey of becoming more like Jesus. It's not just about knowing what the Bible says...it's also about hearing God's voice in my life right now. I can't only focus on the words in the Bible if it's not accompanied by a relationship with Jesus...listening to God's constant voice on how he wants to grow me and make me stronger. This is what our present-tense identity is all about. What does God want to say to me NOW?

February 28, 2010
Melonie: It's easy for me to be down in the dump as I start a new day - for Satan's condemning voice to be so loud in my mind about all the ways I have messed up. And yet this day, as every day, you are victorious and there is power in your name. I don't have to hang my head in shame. At the same time, Father, I see how I have not made time with you a priority this week. I have not been thirsty for you. I can see how my "desperation" for your word and guidance are still linked with what I need to do for church. Father, continue to teach me and to purge me of this wrong motivation. Purge me of this sin. What do you want to say to me today, right now, about all of this? I want to hear your voice...

God: Remember this is all about me - my work, my time line, my saving grace, my glory. Live what you are teaching. You have to hear my voice. You need to know what my perspective is on EVERYTHING that you do - that's the only way you can truly engage in my mission. Don't let this defeat you or bog you down. Don't mistake self-pity for humility. Make a schedule, make a plan - you need structure so let that be your strength! The victory is mine, I will conquer, but you have to fight. I will fight for you. Put your HOPE in me. I will not let you be put to shame.

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To wrap up for now...
Are you ever curious about what God thinks of you? Do you ever what to know what God is thinking about you RIGHT NOW? How else will we live the way we were created to live? This is what holiness is all about. It's no about "being perfect." It's about journeying towards Christ's perfection in us.

We need the right perspective on where we stand before God, and the incredible love and hope he has poured into us. So we can fight back when Satan throws lies our way, as we hold on to truth and claim the righteousness of Jesus that is now ours through his death and resurrection. God wants to tell YOU specific things about what he sees in YOU! He wants to tell you what you're doing that please him; what makes him proud - and also the ways he wants you to grow! He wants to reveal your true, inner heart to you. And he wants to tell you that even though you have messed up pretty bad, he still loves you even more, and he is there to guide you through each step.

I encourage you to take a risk...and just ask God what he thinks of you...what he wants to tell you. And then whatever you hear, whatever pops into your mind...just write it down. Don't analyze it or worry about where the thoughts are coming from...just listen and write. You can always go back afterward to check and see if what you wrote is in line with the God of the Bible...or ask a friend if what you heard "sounds like God"). Have faith that God wants to speak to you. Why wouldn't he? And as you hear more, ask more questions...let Him define your present-tense identity.

Thanks for reading...if you have made it this far, know it's been a LONG read!
Maybe blogging etiquette teaches that blogs should be short? But I haven't read that manual yet. :)

I would LOVE to hear about your journeys as well...would LOVE to hear how God is speaking to you...

this. is. it.

So...this is it. This is my blog. I have been SUPER hesitant about starting this blog, because really...why would anyone want to read what I have to say? For much of my life, I have done things to be on the "safe" side...and that even meant not taking risks that *might* cause embarrassment or injury...just in case I messed up. That's why in elementary Phys. Ed. I would always let others go first...to give me time to decide whether or not I would be able to perform the task well. That's why in the 6th Grade, I quit my campaign of running for "Class Rep" and told everyone else to vote for Peggy Liao because I was scared I would lose to her (thanks, Neelam, for voting for me anyways!). That's why I never tried out for volleyball in high school...

And in the world of blogging...what if I write a blog and no one reads it? Or worse yet, people read it and leave terrible comments? What if? What if? What if?

But today is the day I start asking new "what if's." Instead of focusing on all the self-doubt I have, I choose to focus on the positive "what if's." What if something I say brings a smile to one person's face? What if my struggle today helps someone over their struggle tomorrow? What if my own insecurities and self-doubt keep me silent--keep me from telling about my God who helps me conquer all of these fears? What if my children read this one day and are relieved to find out that their mother doesn't have all the answers (even though she often thinks she does!) but she's willing to journey with them towards finding them? What if? What if? What if?

So...in pursuit of all the positive "what if's," all the good that God could bring out of this, and all the things he has already put on my heart to share...this blog begins and I invite you to join in through reading, commenting, and sharing your own "what if's" as well!

(It's weird...I feel like I'm writing the "Introduction" to a book or something...and at this point in time I feel like I need to make a dedication... :)

So, I dedicate this blog to my Heavenly Father, without whom I would only be left with the "what if's" that keep me from sharing my story.